Throughout the war on terrorism and the increased number of men and women serving in our armed forces, we seem to forget the emotional side of the soldiers fighting for our country. The relationships that they are in with their spouses, significant others or even their family members are a huge part of the support they feel and it really is what gets them through the tough days of battle. We also forget that these men and women are away from their loved ones for months, sometimes even years, and maintaining a relationship or a friendship can be very hard emotionally. For spouses and family members back home, it is also a struggle to get through the days without their significant others.
Have you ever thought of how these couples maintain their relationships? For two years, I was in a relationship with a Marine. Through boot camp, training, and deployment, I struggled with maintaining communication with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Letters became an everyday means of communication with, usually, no response from him. I would get letters from him every once in a while, sometimes every two weeks but I would send him letters daily. Once he was stationed and no longer under constant training or surveillance, we were able to call each other and communicate that way. He would drive home on holidays and sometimes for a weekend visit, but the distance was a constant struggle for our relationship and ultimately is what separated us.
Marine Corps Ball 2012
Background
How many active duty service members do you think we have in the U.S.? “While traditionally our military force consisted of service members who were largely young and single, today the number of military family members outnumbers the number of active duty military members. Currently 1.4 million service members make up the active duty armed forces, while there are close to 2 million family members of active duty military personnel, including spouses, children, and adult dependents” (2007 Demographics Profile of the Military Community, DMDC, 2007).
Maintaining the Relationship
Maintaining long distance relationships is a key element in military relationships because with training and deploying, the distance is usually very far and will last for a while. In an article by Stacey Abler, she lists ways to maintain communication with a loved one overseas. The list includes mail, phone, skype, instant messenger, and facebook. Each of these options are the only ways to stay in contact with soldiers and are very important in maintaining the connection between couples. She also encourages spouses at home to keep in constant contact with their soldier even if they do not hear back from them. She then moves on to explaining that communicating before deployment is very important to tell each other what is expected of the other. Although the circumstances and availability of computers and phones changes throughout stations, knowing what is expected and what the other person needs in order to fulfill their needs is a must.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is explained by Julia Wood, author of Interpersonal Communication Everyday Encounters, as having five layers including physical needs, safety needs, belonging needs, self-esteem needs, and self-actualization needs. Particularly, belonging needs are the necessities of feeling comfortable with your relationships, feeling as if you fit in with a group such as your family, and feeling accepted by others including your significant other. This need is vital in a military relationship because due to the long distance between the people in the committed relationship, this need is often forgotten. Communication is essential to this need as well so maintaining constant affirmation on how each other feels and supporting each other in this time of need is very important.
According to Julia Wood, romantic relationships go through the navigation process which is the ongoing process of staying committed and living a life together despite ups and downs, and pleasant and unpleasant surprises. This is a process that military relationships struggle with on a daily basis. The ups, downs and the surprises are what can make or break a relationship when it involves the military. In an article by Bianca Strzalkowski, Military Spouse of the Year in 2011, she tells us her story so far as being a military spouse. She explains how hard it was for her moving from state to state with three children. The ups and downs of her relationship were very prevalent and she struggled because of the overwhelming conditions she was going through. She worked through her struggles and finally grew to become happy and stable with her family. She now works with other military spouses and helps support them as they are going through what she once did. She received her award of being Military Spouse of the Year in 2011 because of the work she continues to do for spouses across the nation.
Julia Wood also explains in her textbook, guidelines to communicating in a relationship. Engaging in dual perspective, which is when you understand each other and are able to see from each other’s perspectives. This is a key element when being in a military relationship because seeing in the eyes of a soldier can be very tough and understanding what they are going through in order to support them can be even harder. For example, if you write your significant other letters everyday and you do not hear back from him that often, you have to understand that he is fighting for our country or he might not have the means to write during that time. Also, vise versa, if he calls and you do not answer right away, he has to understand that you might be busy with work or the kids.
Lastly, according to Wood’s textbook, mindful listening is very important to a relationship of any kind. Unfortunately there are obstacles that can get in the way of listening accurately. When you have not spoken to your significant other for a long period of time, you can get overwhelmed and so excited that you react to the emotion instead of listening to the person speaking. This is an internal obstacle according to Wood and it definitely applies when talking about military communication. Another obstacle can be message overload. If you have not talked to someone in a long time, you usually have a lot of information to tell them and this can be restricting to the conversation. If you take in too much information at one time, you will more than likely forget most of what you heard.
In an article by Lcpl, Christopher Johns, he explains a program in which military wives can participate in a two day crash session to educate themselves on what their husbands are going through in the military. He says that this program is a great way to see in the eyes (dual perspective) of the ones you love. He also says that his wife did not understand what he was going through for twenty years and now this program is teaching new spouses the same information she knows now, in two days. This is a great program and it is very beneficial for military wives.
Connection to Reality
According to Julia Wood in the textbook, Interpersonal Communication Everyday Encounters, a committed romantic relationship is a relationship between individuals who assume that they will be primary and continuing parts of each other’s lives. She also explains that these relationships are voluntary and are sustained by unique people who cannot be replaced. Military families experience this but go through experiences that other couples would never have to go through and hardships that are unthinkable to people not affiliated with the military. For example, Katherine Cathey lost her husband, Second Lieutenant Jim Cathey of the Marine Corps in Iraq. His death was the end of her world as she knew it and a picture of her went viral soon after his death. She wished to sleep next to his body one last time so the Marines that were to guard his body overnight set up an air mattress for her and she spent that one last night with her husband.
Katherine Cathey laying beside her husband
Death is a very misfortunate part of the lives of military families whether it is a sister, brother, husband, wife or child, the love you have for that person can never be replaced and getting into a relationship with a soldier means understanding that this could be a part of your future.
The Opposite Side of the Spectrum
Now, I have been talking about relationships and communication for the soldiers, but what about the soldiers who are single and do not have a significant other or a family member to talk to? There are ways that those soldiers can find love or even friendship while overseas. Pen pals are people who sign up to support a soldier. There are many sites and many different ways to become a pen pal, and many different kinds of communication styles they use to support the soldiers. You can sign up to send care packages or you can sign up just to chat with a soldier every once in a while. Sometimes these pen pals will sign up just to chat and end up falling for and starting a relationship with the soldier who is deployed. There are also sites designed for single soldiers to find love while in the military as well. These sites include militarycupid.com which is a leading dating site for military members or adoptaplatoon.org which is a leading pen pal site.
Conclusion
Our military personnel are very important to the development of our country and they have been a huge part of our history. Keeping them happy and their minds at ease as they fight for our freedom and freedom of other countries should be a priority to all American’s. Becoming a pen pal, or even just donating items at local military collection drives can help our soldiers continue fighting and keeping our country and your families safe. They are sacrificing their lives and the futures they have with their families, significant others, spouses and children in order to keep your families safe and at peace at home.
